Last night my best friend Cin and another good friend Sass took me out to Drunken Pirate night at the Whiskey. It was cold as hell and we had to go outside to smoke.
The music was hilarious, these guys are very interactive with their audience. And Cap’n has the ability to look at you like he’s already seen you naked and would love to do it again.
I needed the time away. I haven’t left the house except to see doctors or lawyers since Jan passed. And I’ll admit I felt some guilt. She would have absolutely LOVED this group. But Cin and Sass reminded me how she wouldn’t want me to hide away in the house…and that helped.
Anyway, a couple of hours in my collarbone started hurting. And by hurting I mean it felt like I had broken it. My corset straps were pulling down on my shoulders and I knew I had to get out of it a.s.a.p. So we had to leave early, which blew. I had to hobble out to Cins truck, climb in and be grateful her heat comes in pretty quickly.
I swallowed my tears on the drive home, kept my hands clenched tight while trying to relax my shoulders so as to not tighten those muscles. By the time I got home it took all my will power to get in the house. As soon as I got insde, I started stripping down. Cin, Goddess bless her, broke out my compounded cream and slathered me from neck to bottom. I turned on my heaty blanket and crawled into bed.
Today is a bad pain day. I can barely move. Have you ever heard of the spoon theory? If so, you’ll understand I used too many spoons last night. If not, look it up, it will help you understand people with “hidden” illnesses. Today I can’t lift my arms very far because my collarbones feel cracked. Deep breathing is out of the question.
The kick about fibro is you never know where it’s going to hit your body. Some days it’s my forearms, or the backs of my arms. Other days it’s my lower back. Then it’s the bottoms of my feet, my heels. Other days it is like I’ve been beaten over every squareinch of my body with a 2×4.
It’s hard to explain to friends and family sometimes. Because I look fine. To see me you would never have a clue that I live with pain 24-7, and that some days it’s crippling. I get tired of the judgemental looks and the snide comments from random strangers because they see me and my disability tag. I’m not obese, I’m not in a wheelchair. I do walk with a cane because my balance is crap and I’m constantly afraid of falling.
I have been doing a lot of reading on fibromyalgia. And there is so much info out there. But nobody can pin down what causes it or how to cure it. The consensus is that it’s autoimmune. And that it has a lot to do with the nerves. Possibly we have too many connections. Most agree it’s triggered by trauma. Heh…I’ve definately had a lot of that in my life.
So all I can do is keep learning, keep dealing. Hope and pray they come up with a cure or at least a medicine that helps without a ton of side effects.