Coming Out

I’m a 41 year old sadistic dominant. Bet that’s not what you were expecting was it?

I started my journey in to BDSM around the age of 17. The man I was dating and later married introduced me to it. Now back then I had no clue it had a name. He picked my clothes, my friends and barred me from family. He beat the hell out of me, and the only break I got was during pregnancy. All this in the name of “home discipline”.

I won’t go into details, those are my demons and I don’t share them easily or often. Suffice it to say I have a lot of issues from those 4 years of hell. I have P.T.S.D., severe anxiety disorder, depression and touch phobias. I don’t do well when men raise their voices in anger, and don’t touch me to wake me up. There are days I cannot tolerate being touched at all and that’s on top of the fibro.

After my divorce, I started exploring BDSM. I was fascinated and trrified by it. People LIKED it when someone hit them?! What the actual hell??

Over the years I have had several wonderful mentors who taught me how to do this the right way. How to negotiate a both parties have a good time and get what they want/need from said scene. I was taught about limits and to always respect them and to have my own respected. I was taught how to use various “toys”, such as a flogger and a crop.

I realzed one day I was a sadist. I really got off on anothers pain. It excited me, thrilled me. And even better…there were masochists out there who wanted me to give them pain! I refined my skills, became more intense and better at inflicting pain. I had found a niche and I thrived there.

I kept my lifestyle choices pretty private from family. You must understand my family, for the most part, are very uptight individuals. Then one day…I came out to my Aunt whom I call Ma. She was flabbergasted. Much the same way I was in the beginning heh.

She was curious and asked a lot of questions. I had so much fun shocking her with the details. I believe I even scandalized her a few times. I would show up over there with marks and explain how and why I got them. (This was during my masochistic phase.)

I love BDSM. I love the rituals of it, how you’re only limited by imagination and your partner. I love the negotiating. I love the brutal honesty you have to have within yourself and with your partner. I love the way a dynamic grows and blooms between two or more people. When it works it is amazing to see.

I mourn its loss. When my partner and submissive died this year, a part of me shattered. She was more than my friend, more than my partner, she was my submissive. The woman who made my life run smoother. The woman who grew under my care and tutelage. She was the woman who met my needs beyond the sexual. And I was all that for her as well. Since her passing I have a hole in my life that cannot be filled.

I cannot imagine having someone else here doing what she did. At this point I don’t want them here.

But I know one day…one day I’ll venture back out to my other world again. It’s too ingrained, too much a part of me, for me to stay away forever.

*For those who don’t know, BDSM stands for several things: bondage, discipline, sadism, masochism. And no, it’s NOT all about sex. Yes, it can be sensual and sometimes sexual, but that’s not the end all be all of BDSM.


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